Illusion (Illusion Series Book 1) Page 4

  ∞∞∞

  When I go to pick her up Emma is quiet on the ride. I want to mention her prick of a boss, but I also don’t want to stir anything up. She looks out the window and I study her as best as I can without making it obvious. She’s wearing barley any makeup even though she doesn’t need it. Her skin glows naturally and her long lashes make her eyes look bigger and her honey eyes pop. Her long brown hair is pulled in a high ponytail. I just want to run my fingers through it and feel the silkiness against my skin. I love her sense of style. The way she dresses causal, but girly. Ripped jeans with a classic rock band t-shirt tucked into her jeans. High tops that make her legs seem longer for some reason. She wears small diamond studs on her ears and has almost a ring on each finger.

  She catches me observing her and gives me an irritated look. “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “It’s not nothing, you were staring.”

  “You’re cute,” I say without thinking. I really need to stop talking without articulating the meaning of my words. Her cheeks flush red and she turns towards the window but before I catch a small smile. After a few minutes of more silence she finally asks what I’ve been expecting her to ask, “Why did you kiss me in the forehead this morning?”

  I don’t look at her when I answer, “I don’t know,” I tell her honestly.

  “What do you mean you don’t know?” Her body shifts towards me as she waits for me to respond.

  “Just that. I don’t know. It’s not something I’ve ever done before. I don’t give affection easily and I surprised myself with the gesture too. It was easy though.” I meet her eyes, “It was easy doing those kinds of things with you.” The confession takes us both by surprise and I can tell she’s uncomfortable. I choose to change the subject, “So, what’s up with your boss?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Yeah, he’s into you.” She snorts in response. “I’m serious. I saw the way he was looking at you. And I don’t like it. I fucking can’t stand the way he looked at you. I mean I get why he would, but fuck I wanted to put him in his place.

  “And what place is that?” She whispers.

  “Where he knows you don’t fuck with what’s mine.”

  Heat rises in her eyes, “I am not yours.”

  “Not yet,” I wink at her. Her cheeks flush with color again, but I know she doesn’t like that I’m claiming something that isn’t mine to begin with. She’s right she’s not mine, but that only makes me want her more.

  Emma

  I walk in my house after Austin drops me off. I feel anxious with the amount of times I’ve seen Austin, the amount of times I feel lust and want towards him. The effort that Austin is making only puts me on edge further. I don’t want him, but yet again I do. Ugh. Fuck feelings.

  “What’s up kiddo?” My uncle Jessie greets from the couch. I sit next to him and lean into his shoulder.

  “I hate feelings.” I blurt out to the only person I trust to let in. I trust my dad, but if I share too much, he worries for me. I don’t want him to worry more than he already does. And my uncle Jamie, I love him, but it’s always been hard for us to connect on another level.

  “Yeah. Whoever invented them is a dick.” I shove him playfully and laugh.

  “I’m being serious.”

  “Why Em? What feelings?” He meets my eyes searching them.

  “I don’t even know. I’m in like with someone.”

  His brows furrow and he tries to hold back his grin. “In like?”

  “Yes. He’s interesting and I seem to be able to talk to him easily, but I don’t want to. I don’t want the feelings or the attraction that comes with hormones. I’ve never felt like this with anyone else and it’s pissing me off. I want him to go away, but the more I want him to the more he comes around. He puts effort in that I know for a fact he’s not used to it either. And I’m just annoyed.” I rant with frustration evident in my voice.

  My uncle Jessie stares at me, “It’s okay to feel that way. Especially the way you are, so closed off. You won’t be able to fight off affection forever, Emma. That’s going to hold such a lonely life. Humans are wired for affection and interaction with other humans and when you deprive yourself of that your life will never be fulfilled. I know you still hurt, and you don’t want to lose anyone, but maybe this guy will stick around.”

  “That’s what scares me: the possibly of him leaving.” I stare into his eyes and his soften. He wraps his arm around my neck and hugs me to his body. He kisses my forehead in comfort. I know he can’t give me a concrete answer because he doesn’t know what might happen. Just like they never expected that I would grow up without a mother. I know that they want to protect me, but they also hate that I won’t let anyone in and it’s inevitable that someone like Austin is bound to destroy you.

  Emma

  TWO WEEKS HAVE PAST since I had fallen and met Austin. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I catch myself thinking about him all day even at night I seem to have dreams about him. It's like an obsession with a guy that I don’t want to ever see again. But man, those deep ocean eyes make me want to get lost at sea and willingly drown. They are so captivating.

  Today as I am walking out the door for a run, I run into a warm firm body in front of me causing me to trip over the step and fall back. The figure in front of me grabs me by the arm and pulls me into their body. Warm strong hands holding me up are familiar, causing the hairs at the back of my neck to stand. A shiver runs through my body the sensation of his fingertips pressed against my skin. I know that touch all too well. When I look up, I see my drowning sea eyes that cause my knees to buckle. His grip on my body tightens and I feel so warm and safe.

  Wow, what am I saying? I don't even know him. I finally hold composure of myself and wiggle out of his grip. He continues to stare at me in silence and it's beginning to irritate me. I finally choose to speak up, "Are you going to continue looking at me like I'm a zoo animal or tell me why your stalker ways have brought you here?"

  "Are you always this pleasant?" I mock his smile in return and there it goes again the silence. After about a minute of intimate staring, he finally says, "Take a walk with me."

  What? "What? No, I don't want to."

  "Come on, just to talk. We've had more of a conversation than what I have had with most people." Hearing that declaration makes me sad for him. It makes me want to talk to him more. Maybe he just wants someone to talk to. Before I can talk myself out of it, I say, "Fine, but no more touching."

  He chuckles and answers, "Why would I touch you?"

  I frown, "I don't know, I don't like being touched by strangers or at all." He frowns then tries to cover it up with a tight smile.

  The only reason I don't like touching is because it's too intimate and I try to avoid that at all cost. Austin and I have done plenty of touching so far and it messes with my hormones. I learned that after losing my mom the least amount of people you’re close to, the better. He gestures for me to come out and I do. We leave and make our way to the trail where we first met.

  On the ride over, all there is, is silence and it’s killing me. I want to get inside of his head. I want to know what he thinks and why he thinks it. I love analyzing people, but him more than anything because of how I can never tell what he is feeling by looking at his face.

  Austin

  I can feel her gaze on me and it's starting to make me sweat. I don't know what I'm doing. Just sitting here in my car taking her to go on a walk. Like what is that? When have I ever wanted to be around a girl without getting anything in return? I'm not a bad guy I just see the reality of things. Love is messy and complicated. And the people who were supposed to love you, don't.

  Like how sick is that?

  Why would I believe another human can love me without having any obligations for it? I don't believe that. So that's why sex is so easy, blank, and emotionless. You get your high for your body and that's it. Sex works in different ways. Precisely more than one.

>   She's been quiet this whole ride and I know I freaked her out. I don't know why I ended up at her door like some kind of stalker. I was just hoping that I could pass by and I don't know, maybe see her again. I've been trying to avoid eye contact at all cost because she makes me feel very unwanted things that I've never felt before.

  We start walking at a slow pace and I need to think of something before she ends up leaving. The refreshing chilly air hits my face and it makes me feel peaceful. I love nature it makes me feel wanted and free. Something I have never felt in my everyday life. I suddenly feel her stop behind me. I stop too and just wait. I don't turn around. I can't look at her.

  "Why are we here, Austin?" I can feel her stare on the back of my head.

  "I wanted to take a walk and talk." I turn to face her. Her gaze is cautious but curious and it makes me smile. I continue, "I haven't been able to get you out of my head since I met you. It's been two long weeks, so I took it upon myself to give myself the satisfaction of seeing you again."

  "Why?" I meet her stare and our eyes lock and there is no way that I’m going to back down. I have no idea what I truly want from her or why I want it, but I do. I lift my eyebrow in a question, and she continues, "We really don’t know each other. I am pretty sure I didn't make that great of an impact. And besides, you said you never come around girls like me. Whatever that means."

  I lock eyes with her for a couple of seconds and turn my eyes behind her. I can't look at her any longer, I feel too vulnerable around her. I wait before I answer, "You're easy to talk to, even though we talked about pointless things and to some people that might mean nothing, but to me they mean something. Ever since I can remember, I can never have a carefree conversation like I’ve had with you. And yeah, you're not the kind of girl I usually seek. I don't really have the motivation for any kind of relationship, but I like talking to you."

  I’m saying shorter versions of what I really want to tell her, but by the look in her eyes, she already looks a little scared.

  "Why are you telling me this?" The words sound strained leaving her mouth and it leaves me wondering. I end up telling her what she wants to hear, but not what I want to tell her.

  "I want us to be friends, because you know I like talking to you."

  We fall silent as her eyes search my face, afraid of finding something she doesn't want to see, so I mask my face. I turn it into whatever she wants because that's what you do when you find out the girl that intrigues you doesn't want you.

  “Okay.” She whispers, her hair flying around her beautiful milky white skin. “I can do friends, but nothing more.” My chest tightens at the rejection, but more at the pain in her eyes. I want to smooth out the fear in her. I know how that feels like better than no one. I don’t take away her fear, I stand there and give her a tight smile.

  Emma

  I LAY IN BED tossing and turning. I just keep thinking about Austin and the look on his face. He confuses me. There was so much emotion in his eyes till there wasn't and I couldn't make him out. I'm glad he just wants to be friends, even though I do like him a lot. He gives me a rush of lust and heat, but then calms me and gives me peace all at once. And if I am being completely honest, I love feeling that way, but I can't do it. I couldn't deal with the pain if I lost someone I care about again. I wish I knew what his true feelings are because then I would know if he feels the same, but at the same time, I don't want to know. It would be so hard to reject him. At least now I can keep him close to me through friendship.

  The next day, I walk into my literature class and take my usual seat by the front. I love this class and all we do is read and write our reviews in a journal. Today in class we are discussing it and next week we’ll be watching a movie that relates to it. We begin discussing our thoughts on Fences. This play truly breaks my heart. My heart broke for Troy because in my eyes he was a broken man and hurt everyone in his path. He cheated on his wife and broke her, he hurt his son, who now hates him. This man had it all, but he gave it up for his ego, how he felt like a man when he did the things he did. Loving someone is such a weakness. People have the power to pull you in every direction and pull you apart, but every story has an end.

  I start to write in my journal as the class begins asking their pointless questions about the play. I feel like sometimes people overthink things. Like it's simple, how did you feel while reading it? Those raw emotions that won't be written in your journal if you keep asking people what they think. It effects how you first felt and saw it. That's what doesn't make someone a good writer in my opinion. Not allowing for your true feelings to show raw and on your own. Seek the true definition of what words make you feel not what they make others feel. Good thing I decided against being a writer because I'm a true critic of words. I love words and I feel like if you have the power to tell a good story you should, but for yourself not anyone else.

  I feel someone’s stare on my right side, but I don't turn because I’m scared to make conversation. I hate being social. It's not that I'm antisocial I just hate feeling like the center of attention. I wait till class ends to look over to see who was staring at me. I spot a curvy blonde girl with chocolate brown eyes. She's still staring at me, but I can't look away because she is so pretty. Her face glows and she's hardly wearing any makeup. After a moment of staring at her like she's my soulmate, I dart out of the class.

  I feel a warm hand on my should and a soft, "Hey." I turn to see the beautiful blonde girl in front of me. She gives me a warm smile, "I really like what you say in your journal entries."

  "You've read my journal?" I ask, giving her a weird look.

  "Yeah...well, I sit next to you and I love how your brain works. I love how you discuss things. And I just wanted to know if maybe you wanted to go for coffee. I'm new in town, I from Cali and I have no friends here. Wow, that sounds lame."

  I give her a warm smile and remark, "Well, I've lived here all my life and I don't have friends, so go figure."

  "Wow, thanks that makes me feel better. Oh, and I'm Lauren." She answers with a soft laugh.

  "I'm Emma and thanks...?" I chuckle.

  "So, coffee?"

  "Why not."

  ∞∞∞

  I run besides Austin at a fast pace, I’m a fast runner and he’s doing a great job at keeping up with me. We fall into a steady rhythm, in silence, not that Austin has much to say anyways. When we slow down and sit at the spot where we met, we take a few minutes to catch our breaths. “What are you studying?” He asks out of the blue.

  “I want to be an English teacher.”

  “Wow, a teacher. That’s impressive.” He looks at me thoughtfully for moment when he turns his eyes back straight ahead. “Why?”

  “Uh, I just really loved my English classes all through high school, I love classic literature, I love words.” I watch him closely as he takes in my words, he looks so emotionless, you’d think he was bored. By now I gather that that’s just his personality.

  “What’s one of your favorite pieces since you don’t like Austen?”

  I think for a moment before answering, “I would say the Great Gatsby.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s so imperfect, the lies, the deception, the realism on love. People think love is this grand beautiful thing, but it’s not. All the great poets and writers write about heartbreak, about missing someone, about being incomplete, but what do you think got them there? Love was made ugly and brutal. One second you can be with the person that you live for and then they just die or worse they leave you. Imagine the agony someone has to live through to overcome that pain, that’s where it is. You don’t overcome it. Your heart withers and dies a slow, painful death.”

  “Wow, you’re charming.” He offers with a rare grin.

  “Oh, you know me, every dude’s dream.” I flip my hair dramatically and he chuckles besides me. His laugh is deep, making me turn towards him to take him all in. He’s a beautiful man in every sense of the word and different than what he makes himself out to be. H
e’s rugged and dark. A cloud looms over him and sadness holds him tight at night.

  After a few days of just running with Austin we decide to change things up and hang at the coffee shop instead. His smile is smooth as it meets mine across the coffee shop. I walk over to him and see that he already ordered our drinks and he even got them right. We both drink black coffees. At first, we were in comfortable silence just staring at each other. Today his eyes are a clear sea, they are bright. I love this color the most. It’s the color he holds when he is content and happy.

  “Austin are you happy?” His eyebrows lift in surprise by the question. He begins to fidget like the question makes him uncomfortable. I place the palm of my hand on top of his and his body stiffens with the gesture. His eyes meet mine and I see it in the depths of shades of blue; pain. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I was just asking because your eyes are clear. They’re usually really dark blue. So, I thought maybe today you’re happy.”

  He stares at me for a moment longer before answering, “It’s you.”

  The thud of my heartbeat increases, and I can feel my cheeks flush with heat. “When I’m with you I feel happy. It’s an emotion I’m not use to, but I like the feeling you bring.” He offers a shy smile and in return I beam at him.

  “Yeah, I like being with you too. I’ve never had a friend like you.” His eyes darken and his smile vanishes with my response. I now realize how it sounds, I just friend-zoned him. Emma, you’re dumb. But isn’t that what I wanted? A friend, not a lover. It’s for the best that he gets that now. Our coffee date ends soon after while Austin gives me the cold shoulder. I know he will get over it.

  ∞∞∞