Illusion (Illusion Series Book 1) Page 9

  Meadow.

  Not a day passes that I don't think about her. All of sudden I hear snores against my ear, and I laugh out loud. Lucy is my half-sister. She’s a product of Amy and my father's love. And I love this little girl like she is my own. She has curly blonde hair and blue eyes just like Meadow. The only difference is that Lucy is two years old. And Meadow would have been twelve years old. My chest aches at the reminder.

  I look over at my stepmother and smile. She grabs her chest and gives me an exasperated sigh, "You're seriously the baby whisper and thank you because she has been running around all day."

  "I'm happy I can help. Do you need any help with anywhere else?"

  "Actually, no can you just not put her down. She's been fussy all day and I need a break."

  "Yeah, no problem." I love holding Lucy she’s the only human that doesn't understand how one week I’m here and one week I’m not. She doesn't understand the glares or backhand comments from my father. She doesn't view me any differently. She is special and a part of me. I wait until everyone is sitting at the table to join them. I carry Lucy against my shoulder for the whole dinner. I’m quiet the whole time. I only speak when spoken too. Until fucking Kyle opens his mouth.

  My father asks, "Are you seeing anyone Kyle?" Of fucking course, he wants to know about Kyle's personal life. My father never asks about my personal life and every time he does with Kyle it feels like a knife to my gut. Kyle clears his throat and his eyes meet mine. If this fucker says Emma, I'm going to smash his head against the wall. I’m pulling Lucy down towards my lap just in case I have to hand her off.

  "No, not really." I begin to breathe easily again, but my fucking father won’t drop it.

  "No? Anyone, you're interested in." I don't look at Kyle; I don't want him seeing my anger.

  "Uh yeah, I guess."

  "Tell me about her?" I stare blankly at my plate waiting for him to say her name so I can hurt him.

  "She's in college still. She likes to talk a lot about anything really especially books. She wants to be an English teacher. She's really outgoing and kind. And of course, she's gorgeous."

  As soon as I hear Kyle talk about her, I can't swallow without feeling the bile in my throat. He knows the basics of Emma, but he doesn't know how her eyes flutter when she begins to fall asleep. Or that she bites her lip when she's feeling pleasure of any sort.

  How she's innocent, but she can be dirty too. Like fucking grabbing my hand so I can finger her. He doesn't know that she runs because she wants to escape the world. Or how it makes her feel closer to her mom. He doesn't know her extreme fear of falling in love because it makes her feel vulnerable and out of control. He's an idiot that doesn't know any of it.

  My father continues with his stupid fucking questions, "What's her name?"

  My eyes meet Kyle's so he can read what’s in them. Try me fucker. But Kyle being the innocent clueless dumbass he still goes for it.

  "Emma." I stand and slam my hand against the table.

  "Don't fucking try me Kyle because without hesitation I will slam your head against that wall." I hear gasps and confused gazes while silence spreads throughout the room. I honestly didn't think Kyle had it in him, but the fucker does.

  He stands, "What Shane are you scared that you might have lost her?" When he says that I know Kyle doesn't know anything about us because then he would know that I already have.

  The irritation of him calling me that name puts me on edge, "Don't fucking call me that."

  My father stands and yells, "That's enough! Shane get out. Now! And don't come back!" I meet his angry gaze. And fuck, how am I going to get out of this one? With my father's angry yell Lucy begins to cry and that's what does it for me. I break out of my anger and rub her back.

  "Give me her." My father says as calmly as he can. I ignore him and start for the stairs around the corner when I hear him again, "Shane, I'm not going to tell you again."

  "Shane." I hear Amy say firmly. I pause not knowing which Shane she’s addressing. I will never disrespect her, and I know that. That's why I stop and wait.

  "Not you Austin." I hear her say and I relax instantly. I can't lose her too.

  Lucy settles down and she lays against my shoulder again as I walk up the stairs. When I put her to bed her beautiful blue eyes meet mine and warmth along with love fills inside me. She’s perfect and I want her to stay that way. I don't want the world to corrupt her like it did to me. I pray above her, staring into those blues that she never has to feel the pain I and Emma were granted with. My phone rings in my pocket and my heart aches more as I stare at the screen.

  Emma

  I’M RUNNING AS IF I can run forever, but the pain doesn't stop. My chest is burning, and I know it isn't just because of running. This feels like weakness to me. I’m so tired of fighting against it every day. Why do I have to be so strong, so young? It’s so unfair. People don't understand real pain until you lose someone you love. I shouldn't have to grow up without my mother. I shouldn't have to grow up with my dad's betrayal. People don't understand that fact. They think your complaining about life. You should be grateful they say. Grateful for what, this pain?

  I run even faster as my eyes burn from the number of tears overflowing right through me. I didn't know a could person can cry this much. My eyes are heavy like they are ready to give up and shut. Then, thunder sounds fill my ears as I run. It begins to rain, but I feel nothing. I feel numb. I’m running so fast I can't feel the wind any longer.

  I keep running, but the pain still simmers on my chest. I step into a puddle and slip. I fly hitting my knee on the grown and landing against a few branches. My face falls against the wet dirt. My whole body is throbbing in sharp pain, but I feel relieved to be feeling physical pain. It helps not to think about my internal pain. I cry out loud, frustrated. I lay there looking up at the dark sky. Rain falling on my face mixed with my tears. I don't attempt to get up.

  I hear my name at a far distance, but I feel as if I’m starting to become insane. The voice only grows closer. I hear stomping coming my way and my name being shouted. I see him.

  Austin.

  Now I know I’m being delusional because there is no way Austin is standing above me. I can't have him either. It’s a constant reminder.

  I sob out loud and Austin's eyes soften. He pulls me from the ground and holds me against his chest. Pain and relief flush through me. He is real.

  After a minute, he sits down causing me to straddle him and my face goes straight to his neck as I continue to sob. His left hand is on my thigh and the other is rubbing circles on my back. His warmth is radiating from his body. "It hurts," I sob and rasp out to him.

  "I know baby."

  I feel the coldness from the air all of sudden and I shiver into him. I want to become one with him. I want to crawl into his skin. I want him to make my pain go away, make it lighter like last time.

  Austin stands up without letting me fall and carries me to his car. He places me inside and buckles me in before he makes his way to his side. He doesn't say a word to me. He instantly turns the heater on, and his gaze flickers to me every now and then. But I never meet his eyes. I lay my head on the headrest and look out the window. He pulls into my driveway and I whimper, "I don't want to be here. Please, Austin. Don't leave me."

  "I wasn't going to leave you. I’m going to stay the night with you. I brought you here because I don't know if you want to go to the hotel with me. My friends are still in town and we have a hotel suite with several rooms. I just don't want to make you uncomfortable. They can be intrusive." He answers, his voice gentle and soft.

  I give him a faint smile, "Thank you." I can't say anything else or I will start crying again, but it’s okay. Austin knows what I mean.

  I walk inside and my dad and uncles are sitting in the living room. All their stares meet mine and pain and concern flushes through their eyes. Before they can get a word in, I walk down the hall towards my room.

  I hear Austin say behind me
, "She's fine. She just fell. I'm going to stay with her. I totally get it if that's not okay. I'll just take her back to my hotel room instead." I hear murmurs of 'It’s fine' and I’m relieved they let him stay here with me.

  I will not stay here without him. My dependence for him is growing stronger the more I feel pain by the ones I trust the most. The need for Austin to be here with me is deep within that panic and anxiety sets in just at the thought of him leaving me again.

  I feel Austin behind me again.

  I go straight into the bathroom and look into the mirror. I’m covered in mud and I have scrapes all over me including my face. Austin watches me through the mirror while he stands at a distance behind me. His stare is warm but concerned. Our gaze meets and I can't read what he’s thinking. Tingles start rushing through my body and I have the urge to hold him. It’s an odd urge. I don't like feeling close to anyone, but I know I’m way past this with him.

  He steps forward one step, "Let's get you cleaned up."

  I don't say anything. I can’t form words right now; my throat burns. I know it’s because of my screaming and crying. All I can do is nod. He grabs my hand and it feels so natural like it belongs there. Like my hand is made to fit perfectly into his.

  He urges me to sit on the toilet while he grabs the first aid kit, which he doesn't ask for, he just goes through my drawers and cabinets in my bathroom. I don't mind, but it makes me smile knowing he’s that comfortable in my space.

  He pats antibacterial cream on my face where I have a scrape down my cheek. I grimace at the pain, but he doesn't stop. After he’s finishes doing that, he goes on his knees and looks into my eyes. A rush of heat bubbles up inside me. He is quiet for a moment before he speaks, "You should shower, so I can look at your other cuts." He starts to get up and I push his shoulders back down to the same spot he was in before.

  "Can you please shower with me?" I whisper, my voice hoarse. I let the words hit the air before I realized what I had said. A shower was more intimate than sleeping in a bed together. It's a vulnerable place. You share a small place where you're naked. Your whole being is out for the other to admire. The constant of brushing against each other, the stares, that’s the definition of intimacy. I thought fear would bubble up in me, but it doesn't. For the first time in a long time, I want to be intimate with someone. And yes, I’m scared, but at the same time, it’s Austin. He understands better than anyone.

  He looks pained by what he’s going to say next, "Emma."

  He waits before continuing with his eyes on me, watching me, "You do realize a shower is intimate? The last time we got close to anything resembling the feeling of intimacy, you freaked out. I don't want to see that pain in your face ever again."

  I grin at him, confusion seeping into his eyes, "I need you. I want to feel closer to you." I cup his face, then let my hand drop with a thud. I start to feel insecure about his rejection. His eyes show the battle he’s fighting within. I stand up and turn away from him as I start to slide my shirt over my body when he stops me.

  He turns me back to face him as he stands up himself. His full height gives away confidence and he begins underdressing me, slowly. His eyes never leaving mine as he takes off my shirt. His eyes are still on me when his fingertips brush against my skin lightly as they move towards my back to unclasp my bra leaving goosebumps in their wake. He pulls my bra off like it’s a caress against me. The cold air hits my breast and my nipples harden. I suck in a breath, but he still doesn't look at my breasts. He’s staring right at me like he’s breaking each wall I have within. One at a time.

  Austin goes down on his knees and pulls my leggings and underwear down together. I instantly feel nervous with his face being so close to my private, but his eyes are on mine the whole entire time of his movements. I look into his eyes, but there isn't just heat or lust, there’s something else that I’m so scared to admit that I see. His eyes move down my body from my neck to in between my thighs. I feel beautiful under his stare. I always thought that being naked in front of someone would be so awkward, but this isn't.

  His gaze is battling with lust and other emotions. I prefer to ignore it, for now, as his eyes trail down my body. When his eyes meet my private, I watch him through heavy eyelids. I’m beginning to grow wet. I feel tingles all around my thighs and in between my legs. Where I want him to be touching, but he isn't.

  Before I can comprehend what he’s doing, he leans in and softly kisses my pubic bone. I suck in my breath and my fingers go into his hair and I tug on his ends.

  "Fuck Emma. You can't do that, or you'll end up being completely mine." He lays his head on my chest and hugs me.

  "Maybe I want to be," I say feeling every bit comfortable in this naked state.

  He groans, "No, not tonight. Fuck I want to so bad, but not tonight. Tonight, I want to hold you and make you feel safe."

  Safe.

  I crave that feeling more than most and he understands that. I pull him up, so he’s on his feet. I start at the hem of his shirt and run my fingers up his warm, firm skin. His muscles jump under my touch. I let his shirt fall onto the floor and unbuttoned his jeans. I do the same as he did and bring down his boxers and jeans. He springs loose and I realize that this is the first time seeing a man naked in real life. His length is long and thick. I feel more comfortable now that he’s naked too. It's like we are foreign to each other and we want to explore. This is the first time we are seeing each other naked and I feel so many emotions towards it.

  He grabs my hand and leads me through the open glass door and into the shower. The warm water stings against all my scrapes and bruises. I wince and Austin moves me to the other side of the shower. He smiles with so much warmth. I get the urge to hug him and I decide to go for it.

  It’s weird to me to want to touch someone, but it’s different with him. He hugs me back and all the emotions are in my throat. The tears spill from my shut eyes, "It still hurts."

  "I know."

  He answers knowing that I’m not talking about the cuts. He takes a deep breath and hugs me tighter before he continues, "I'm sorry Emma that they hurt you again. You don't deserve it. Many don't. I know you just crave security and consistency. I wish I could promise you that that's what you'll get, but that's just not realistic. When you get comfortable life always has a way of throwing you curve balls. And you need those in your life to make you stronger. This feeling that you're feeling is going to make you stronger. You're going to learn from it. I will be right there with you when you do."

  I sob harder hearing his words. No one has ever explained it to me before. Everyone treats me like I’m fragile, but I am not. Austin is teaching me that. He begins walking backwards till his back hits the tile wall and he slides down as I wrap my legs around him. I let it all out. I cry, I let my pain out.

  Austin takes that pain with him and makes me feel lighter the more I cry. I don't realize how much I need him till this moment and I never want to let him go, I only hope that I won't regret it.

  Austin

  After spending a great amount of time on the floor and just letting the water run on us, we stand up. Her eyes are puffy and red, but she still looks beautiful. And Fuck, getting to see her naked and not being able to touch her is like I’m in my own personal nightmare.

  I’m so hard. I’m glad the water is cold when we stand up. She isn't paying too much attention to our naked bodies. I know that she’s still in pain. We will wait, it’s best for now.

  I bath her as she watches all my movements like a curious child. Her face is so childlike. I wash her hair and she closes her eyes as I massage her scalp. I even put conditioner in her hair and feel it smoothen under my caress. She has a lot of hair, so it takes longer than I expected. I move on to lathering soap with the sponge onto her body. The task is the hardest when her breathing becomes erratic or she gasps at my touch. I want to slide inside of her in one quick motion.

  My self-control is reaching another level. I know that she’s a virgin and I need her to
be completely ready. And she’s probably not on birth control. Fuck. It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have never wanted someone the way I want Emma.

  When we finish the shower, Emma sits down on the toilet again while I put antibacterial cream on her. I put Band-Aids on the cuts that look deeper than others. All her cuts look superficial, but she’s already starting to bruise throughout her whole body. I give her some ibuprofen because I know she will be in pain come morning.

  We crawl into bed without any clothes on. It’s Emma's idea. I chuckle at the idea of having her naked body on me again. But tonight, I want to give her everything she asks for. She’s quiet for quite a while laying on my chest. I think she’s already asleep when she startles me, "How did you know where I would be?"

  I take a deep breath, "Your uncle Jamie called me. And I went as soon as I knew where you'd be."

  She smiles against my skin and it makes me feel warm. Fuck, this woman is going to destroy me. "Thank you," She whispers before we both fall asleep. I fall asleep fuller and more content than I woke up with this morning. I have the woman I deeply care about and I can't put a name on it till Emma allows me to. She’s in my arms and there’s nothing more I can desire.

  The next morning, I feel a hard nudge on my rib. I open my eyes and see that it’s Emma's elbow. I push her arm away gently by her elbow and sit up. I lay on my side watching her. Fuck, she’s beautiful. I slide the white sheet off her body. I want to see her naked body.

  Last night in the shower and when she was undressing, I looked at her, but I kept my face tamed. I didn't want to freak her out with the amount of desire I had. But right now, she’s asleep, and I’m going to enjoy exploring her with my eyes.

  I start at her neck where she has a few freckles around her collarbone. I want to lick and sink my teeth into her skin. I want to hear her moan in reaction. Her breasts are full and round. Her nipples are pink and erected. Her stomach is flat with bruises covering her right ribcage, but everything else is thick. Her hips are wide, and her thighs are full, and they jiggle. I can't wait to have my face between those thighs as I sink my fingers into her hips to hold her in place. I can feel myself getting hard and fuck. I can't do anything about it.