Illusion (Illusion Series Book 1) Read online

  "Austin," I say panting.

  He chuckles as his fingers run down my middle and between my folds, "Fuck you're so wet." I smile as chills run down my body and goosebumps rise with the tingles surrounding my skin. My breathing picks up as he begins to rub my clit. It feels so foreign, but it feels so good too. I arch my back into him as a moan escapes me, and I love the way I sound.

  The sound isn't one I have heard myself make before and it sounds almost sexy. Everything in me is on fire. I feel alive. The rush I’m feeling is running from my head to my toes is exhilarating. I don't want it to end. I squeeze his forearm to encourage him to go faster. He’s being gentle, but I need more of him.

  He groans in my ear and he begins rubbing me faster in a circular motion. I feel like I’m going to explode as my stomach muscles begin to tighten. He uses his thumb to continue rubbing in a circle against my sensitive bud, while his forefinger flicks up and down my middle. The sensation is too much, and I bit my bottom lip craving my release. I begin moving my hips against his hand. The built up is torture. I can taste my release as I dig my nails into Austin's forearm.

  He pinches my clit sending me over the edge and I moan his name loudly in response. I shut my eyes and bite my lip, feeling the euphoria I’m in and the waves ride through me. My heartbeat is racing against my ribcage. As I lay against him feeling like jelly in his arms, he takes his hand out and places it on my hip. Once my breathing slows and my mind clears, I smile. I want to please him like he did to me. I want him to feel close to me the way I feel close to him now.

  "Emma?" His voice brings me back from my thoughts. I hug his arms tight around me, I can't talk. I feel like I might cry. I can't cry after my first sexual experience; It’ll freak him out. I just feel emotional. Like we are somehow laced together. And I don't want to be, but I have to admit I loved everything that just happened. I want him to feel the way I do towards him on some level.

  I catch myself off guard when I say, "My turn."

  I turn around to face him and I give him a warm smile. He mirrors my smile but doesn’t say anything. He’s just watching me, trying to see uncertainty, but there is none. I know I want him to feel just as good, even though I have no idea what I’m doing. If I don't think too much into it, I should be fine. I grab the back of his head and pull him down into me to give me access to his neck.

  I begin kissing his neck the way he did with me. I place my hands under his shirt feeling his firm warm skin under my palms. He sucks in a breath as I slide my hands up and down while I run my tongue slowly around his ear lobe. I unbutton his jeans and undo his zipper. Without a second thought. I begin to knead him through his boxers. He’s hard and I can feel him twitch under my attention.

  Our gaze meets and locks when I slide my hand into his boxers and run my hand down his length. He sucks in a breath as I’m stroking him slowly. I’m not really sure what to do, but his cheeks are flushed, and his breathing picks up as it hits my face. I know he’s enjoying it. I run my fingertips softly against the head of his length and a moan escapes him.

  The sound makes me wet again. I love that sound even more. I want to hear it again. As I stroke him at a faster pace, he shuts his eyes and lays his forehead against mine. I can feel his warm breath hit against my face as he takes sharp breaths.

  I know he’s getting closer. His muscles contract under my palm that I have on his lower abdomen. He intertwines his fingers through my hair and pulls tightly. I want to moan in response to his hair gripping, but I bit my lip to suppress it. He groans, "Fuck."

  It’s interesting looking at his face, his body, his whole demeanor being under my control.

  I suddenly realize that I affect him as much as he affects me. He grabs my hand stopping me from stroking him when he says, "I'm going to come." He lowers his boxers and begins pumping himself. I can't really see his nakedness, it’s too dark. He groans as I hear spurts of cum hit the grass.

  When he’s done his forehead goes back to mine and he gives me a lazy smile, "We didn't have anything to clean it off your hand." I smile at how he thought about that through his euphoric state. I was so captivated with him that I hadn't really thought about the aftermath.

  Flashes of what we have done run through my mind and I realize I never told him that I was a virgin, and no one has ever touched me like that before. I feel unease scared of what he might think or feel towards it. Austin’s six years older than me and I obviously know he’s more experienced. As if he can sense my worry he asks, "Is something wrong?"

  "No... I just didn't tell you something."

  "Okay, what is it?"

  "Uh...no one has ever..." I don't really know how to say it and it’s rare for me to be shy about something. His forehead is still on mine while his eyes pierce right through me. "I've never touched anyone like that before. No has touched me like that either. I'm a virgin."

  "I somewhat sense it. Your innocence radiates from you. I enjoyed it. Honestly, no one has ever made me feel that way. And I can see in your eyes the desire, but you’re curious about things you haven't experienced. I love that I have been the only guy to touch you because that means you'll always remember me."

  He’s saying all the right things, but all I could do is frown. He wants his memory to follow even if he doesn't and that’s a haunting thought. I like Austin a lot, but I can't love him. He continues to look at me deep as if trying to read me when he begins leaning into me. His lips brush against my forehead. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. He lowers his head and as his lips barely brush against mine. I push him off. I can't do it. I feel like I’m chocking. I hate kissing. Kissing is too intimate.

  I turn my back towards him. I feel like I’m running out of oxygen. Kissing makes you closer to someone. You close your eyes to feel the sensation of the kiss, but also the emotions that come with it. I can't do. Intimacy leads to attachment and that turns into love. Love. Memories of agony of what I felt when losing my mom flash through my mind and I want to throw up. "Emma?" He speaks so softly as if he were the one in pain.

  I turn towards him, "You can't ever do that again."

  "Do what? Kiss you?"

  "Yes! Kiss me!" My voice grows louder as the words leave my mouth.

  "After what we just fucking did, a kiss is what you're concern about?"

  "Yes! Kissing is intimate. I can't do it, Austin!" I feel the tears tugging at the corner of my eyes.

  "What the fuck, Emma? You said you didn't do touching either and we both just did plenty of that. You speak all this bullshit of not wanting love or affection or whatever the fuck you go on about that has to do with feelings, but it's because you're scared. Your fear is what is holding you back. Fucking face what you feel."

  "Austin," I whisper. Everything he’s saying burns as his words hit me. It’s a slap to the face. "Here's some feelings for you, Austin. I'm done. I don't want anything to do with you. It's for the best. I don't want your friendship either. Stay away, I mean it." Tears run down my cheeks. Tears that are leaving me empty. I don't cry. I’m not one to cry. The last time I cried was years ago and here I am crying for him.

  He walks back towards me and avoids making eye contact. He then brushes his lips to my forehead, and I begin to cry harder, but silently. He lays my forehead on the side of his jaw as he speaks in pain, "Take care, Emma."

  With those words, they feel too heavy to not read between the lines and I hate myself for it. I just broke an already broken man for my own shelter and security.

  Austin

  IT’S RAINING HERE IN New York and I hate it. I hate the city. It’s so crowded and gloomy. Even when the sun is out, New York never feels warm to me. There’s no fresh air. I always feel dirty and my lungs always feel the different atmospheres when coming here. There are so many people here, but I don't believe that this city makes you any less lonely.

  Many people like to move to cities because there are many different kinds of people, but any time I'm here I feel lonely.
It's like if you're in a crowded room and you're invisible. No one loves you here, no one checks in on you here. At least at home, I have my stepmother and sisters. They're the only kind thing back home. Oh, and Emma.

  Emma.

  At home there's Emma. The only one I truly care about to go back home to, but I haven't seen nor spoken to Emma since the bonfire. That was a few weeks ago. I know I'll be fine. I'll get over this overwhelming feeling of agony inside my chest of not having her near me. Not being able to hear her talk about anything and everything. Not hearing her laugh again. Not being able to make her mine again. It's building inside my chest, but I know I can make it through, other people do. And it's already been a month.

  I spent a whole month without her. Fuck, it’s torture, but I'm still here and she's still there. My head is filled with memories of the last night I was with her. How fast the tables turned. The fear in her eyes burns my memory. It's etched inside my brain. The fear when I was going to kiss her. It’s fucking heartbreaking seeing that reaction from her. No one should be that scared to feel intimacy. Even though Emma did let me in, and I know that I took a piece of her heart and it was hard for her to accept that. But Fuck she took all of my heart with her. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way so soon, but here I am. A walking example of a man who lost the one girl that made him feel like he meant more than just another human in this lonely world.

  I walk into a tavern where I'm meeting my three best friends. After graduation, they decided to move all together from Colorado to New York and I was supposed to go with them, but I couldn't do it. All I kept thinking about the whole time I was supposed to be packing is the last memory I had with my mom. They've been living here for six years now and they pretty much love it. I met Jake and Hilary my freshman year of high school. They both work in publishing. They've been a couple since our sophomore year in college, but it's not weird. We all saw it coming.

  Liam is my best friend since I was a baby. His mom and mine were best friends and by law, so are we. He knows me better than anyone, well more like he can read me better than anyone. He's the only one who knows about my mom's death apart from my father. I'm very private. I don't like sharing my feelings. With Liam, he just knows by reading me. It's not like I do much talking, he just knows. With Jake and Hilary, I keep it light and happy that's who I am with them. Emma is the only person that I trust enough to tell stuff too, but once I do it, that will be the end for me. She'll have ultimate control over me. I'll be a man at mercy on his knees for her. Knowing Emma, she would just break me because she wouldn't be able to handle the level of intimacy.

  "AJ, what's wrong?" I meet Liam's gaze from hearing my nickname filling me with familiarity, home. I've been sitting here for five minutes and he already knows something is wrong. Jake and Hilary look between the two of us. "Nothing Man," I answer nonchalantly hoping he will drop it.

  "Stop fucking with me. I know something is wrong, but I can't put my finger on it."

  "Just drop it, Liam."

  "Listen, I'll figure it out." I roll my eyes because there’s no way he’s going to figure out that it’s about a girl let alone Emma.

  "So, Austin how's the writing going?" Jake asks with a big smile on his face. He’s a preppy clean-cut man. He wears suits and sweater shirts. His dark black hair is slicked back not a hair out of place. He is the happy one in the group. Always so cheery and full of life. I'm pretty sure he shits rainbows and butterflies, but he’s a good man. He did luck out with Hilary. She’s a gorgeous intelligent woman. Blonde hair and model legs. She can be a model in a heartbeat. She has that natural glow. Hilary’s the mom in our group, always putting us in check. Liam and I would beg Jake not to tell her some of the stupid shit we would do over the years, but of course, he can't lie for shit.

  Liam has the sandy blonde beach boy look. By day he’s an editor (my editor to be exact) in suits and his hair a messy pile on top of his head, but it fits his style. At night he’s a ladies' man who enjoy his charisma. Liam’s the fun, hothead, who wants to fuck for the rest of his life on repeat kind of guy. Liam always takes me out of my comfort zone and I never back down, so we were a bunch of shits growing up. Liam and I always were the smartest in our class, so we never struggled with school.

  "It's going good. I just met with my editor..." I smirk at Liam, but he’s too busy staring into my soul. I roll my eyes at him and continue, "everything is good to go for the next book. It comes out in two weeks and after Christmas I start my book signing tour."

  "Well look at you Mr. bestselling author," Hilary says with glee and proudness.

  "I thought it was international bestselling author," Jake teases.

  "That's right," Hilary mocks back with a smile.

  I love my friends, my own version of a family because I don't have one. I lost mine at the age of fifteen and when I met them they took over for the one man who abandoned me even though he was still physically there. I wish all the time I had the strength to leave, but I can't. I owe it to the one person who didn't deserve this pain. My thought is interrupted by Liam kicking me under the table. I meet his gaze and I know he's trying to read me, but he doesn't know what it is. He looks concerned and I know I will have to put him out of his misery soon. He also knows I don't want to talk about it in front of Jake and Hilary, so he decides to wait and drop it.

  "We have big news," Jake says with excitement. He grabs Hilary's left hand and looks into her eyes.

  "We're getting married," they said unison. We all stand up with big smiles and congrats. I hug Hilary and Jake patting him on the back, "Damn, you're a lucky bastard."

  "Yeah, I am." He speaks as his eyes meet Hilary's with so much love. I have always been happy for my friends, but right now at this moment, I feel a pang of jealousy of what they have. What they are going to have because as much as I hope, I know I will never have that with Emma.

  "Let's do shots!" Liam shouts with a whoop. We all shake our heads when Jake speaks, "We all have work tomorrow and Austin has a flight to catch early in the morning."

  "Who fucking cares. You're getting married and that means I'm getting laid by one of the bridesmaids." His smile is ear to ear when his gaze meets mine, "We'll both get laid AJ." My jaw ticks at the thought of fucking another woman. I’m fucked and I know it, Emma ruined me. I know he notices, but still continues, "One round of shots and we can leave. And besides AJ never backs down, right motherfucker?"

  "Right." I shrug.

  After the round of shots, Jake and Hilary leave in a cab after our goodbyes and promise to come home for Thanksgiving. That’s still a month away and I know I will miss them more than ever. Liam and I leave in his Ferrari and we are silent for a while before he speaks, "What's going on AJ? You know I can sense it. Especially since I saw how you reacted when I said you were going to get laid. Since when are you bothered by that?"

  "Since I don't fucking care as much." He watches me from the corner of his eye.

  He responds, "Did you meet someone?" My heart sinks when he asks that question, but I don't answer him. I can't, my throat hurts. "AJ. Tell me."

  I hesitate before I answer, "I met someone. We had a thing, but she didn't want it in the end. And I'm just trying to get over it."

  I keep staring right ahead through the window, "Fuck. Austin, I never thought I would hear you say that. Are you in love with her?"

  "I can't answer that unless I'm giving her the answer."

  "Fair enough. Why doesn't she want anything with you?"

  "She just doesn't get close to anyone. It's like she has a wall in front of her and that's as close as you're going to get. She hates anything to do with intimacy or love. She wants realism and it's like she expects something to happen. Like she wants disappointment." I let out a frustrated sigh.

  "Dang AJ. I can't believe it. It's not that you're not capable of being loved, you just push people away too. You did it to me once. She's you a couple of years ago, you felt the same. And in a way you still do. And you can either look at
this like its karma or you're one lucky motherfucker because you're the one that's going to have to show her. Be careful though I don't want you to fall off the wagon again if things go bad."

  I stay quiet throughout the rest of the ride to the hotel. I can’t overcome his last words. I understand what he said, but it doesn't add up to why it’s me. Who am I to be that kind of important factor in her life? I can't grasp that. I can't shake off the feeling that I’m not a lucky bastard. It feels more like karma for something I know I’ve done to her.

  Emma

  I’M WAITING FOR LAUREN to get here in the freezing breeze outside some ice-skating rink. It’s midnight and I know this place closed at seven because of Thanksgiving tomorrow. She sent me a text to meet her here but told me not to wait in the car. I’m going to kill her for that. "Boo!" I scream as two soft hands grab my shoulders. I turn and punch Lauren in the arm. She’s laughing, but I'm pretty sure it’s a laugh of pain. It makes me laugh even more.

  "You punch hard, bitch." She says between laughs.

  "That's for scaring me, bitch." I mock her back before I continue, "What are we doing here? It's closed."

  "I know that. I have a key. I bribed a certain someone for the key so we can skate and talk..." Luke was who she bribed. They began dating soon after the bonfire and I’m happy for them. Luke is like a brother to me. I grew up with him and I know he has good intentions with her and won't hurt her. "That's what best friends do. Adventures and talking."

  Best friends? I like Lauren as a friend a lot, but best friends is too close for my comfort. I can't wrap my head around allowing her to take that role in my life. The only people who I need in my life is my dad and two uncles, everyone else just falls in the background. That's how it has to be. Austin is no longer part of my life and even though I did think less about him the pain still simmers on my chest like it’s waiting to explode. I try to push it down or at least keep it at bay. It works for most days. It has been two months since I last heard and saw him, and it’s been torture for me.